For this post, I will like to discuss interpersonal conflict in relation to friendship between two close friends.
With a common interest in Japanese language and culture, Candice and Lisa made plans to study in Japan over a period of a year together. They decided to take a short holiday in Tokyo in order to decide which language school was best suited for their purpose.
Lisa started to notice a number of things about Candice that she had never known before they began traveling. For instance, she was perturbed by Candice's insistence in bringing a lot of stuff with her, even though she was physically incapable of handling the load herself. Candice also spent an excessive amount of time every morning dressing up, often resulting in them falling behind their schedule. When Lisa requested Candice to hurry up, Candice adopted a defensive attitude and started to comment about how Lisa was not paying enough attention to her own appearance. Lisa also grew frustrated with Candice's tendency to over rely on her. For instance, Candice would rely on Lisa to get all the information they need from the language schools, even though she was more proficient in Japanese than Lisa. At the end of the trip, Lisa was convinced that if they were to study together, she would have a miserable time staying together with Candice.
Thus, Lisa was resolved to study in Japan without Candice. When she told Candice about her decision, Candice was upset and claimed that Lisa had betrayed her trust and broken her promise. Eventually, it seemed like the friendship between the two was over.
In such a case, how do you think Lisa could have voiced her decision to Candice, without losing a friend in the process?
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Hi Ronnie,
ReplyDeleteIn terms of utilizing emotional intelligence, there are a few key fundamental skills that can be re-examined here.
Firstly, in terms of “self-awareness”, Lisa must be entirely sure of the true causes of her change in decision. She should reflect on these causes several times and balance them with the possible repercussions of her decision. For example, Lisa’s decision could have been “clouded” by anger when Candice told her bluntly to pay more attention to her appearance. Lisa should also take into account that they have been close friends for a while and there could also be something about herself that is making Candice equally peeved.
Secondly, it will also be good if Lisa can take some time off to “prioritize”. This will involve making a “mental checklist” of what is important to her in life so that she can weigh her decisions and actions. She must understand that it is not easy to find a close companion or friend in life and in every relationships, there are bound to be ups and downs. Sometimes, it will be much easier to accept someone for who he or she is than to change the person to who he or she isn’t. As such, a simple technique of “managing feelings” such as taking a step back to have a thorough reflection can always be very helpful.
After much consideration, even if Lisa still believes in her decision to go alone, she should also deliver her message with tact and empathy. She should have a face-to-face talk with Candice to explain her decision completely. The key idea is to let Candice see from her point of view. Also, it is always good to let Candice know that some of her actions are often less than desirable but this should also be done tactfully. (I am thinking that in the best scenario, Candice will be “shaken up”, willing to compromise and change for the better in order not to lose this close friend)
Hi Ron,
ReplyDeleteRe-examining the situation you mentioned, I can’t help but notice the situation being told from Lisa’s perspective. There might be reasons why Candice is lugging along so many things. She might be preparing for any possible eventualities that might occur, which will also benefit Lisa in the end if something does happen. Spending a long time in the morning to prepare oneself is also at the prerogative of the person. Of course, Lisa might advice Candice to wake up earlier instead if she is going to take some time, carefully explaining to her that this is so they could keep up with the schedule. Lisa might also want to relook at Candice’s advice on spending more time on her appearance. Maybe Lisa might require it? On Candice’s over-reliance on Lisa, we could possibly attribute it to Candice’s nature of possibly being shy and soft-spoken (this is hypothetical as it is not mentioned in the post). On the other hand, Lisa might be the outspoken one among the pair and Candice is just giving way to her to ask questions. I am not taking Candice’s side in this. However, I feel that more communication and understanding is still required.
Back to the question, if the situation is unsalvageable and Lisa absolutely wishes not to go with Candice, she will need to explain things to her albeit in a more tactful way. Instead of saying that she couldn’t stay with Candice because of Candice’s habits, Lisa could instead bring up some of her own flaws and explain to Candice how incompatible they are if they stay together. Portraying herself (Lisa) as the party at fault might draw Candice to rethink her habits if she is willing to and put of any confrontation/displeasure that might exist. Moreover, if Candice cannot find any solution to the problem, she will, hopefully, let Lisa off the hook for not staying with her.
Jon
This is a very good description, Ronnie, of an interesting problem scenario. You provide good context, paint a vivid picture of the ladies involved, and then detail the grouses well. The post has also garnered good feedback.
ReplyDeleteThere are only a few language problems, for instance
1) I will like to discuss interpersonal conflict >>> I would like to
discuss interpersonal conflict
2) Candice would rely on Lisa to get all the information they need from the language schools... >>> verb tense?
Thanks for sharing!